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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28507824">The Lion, The Zebra, and the Depressed Giraffe</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lhappyface/pseuds/Lhappyface'>Lhappyface</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Miraculous Ladybug</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Attempt at Humor, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Gen, Humor, or at least its supposed to be, yeah thats it its just funny</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-01-02</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-01-02</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 18:47:55</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,280</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28507824</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lhappyface/pseuds/Lhappyface</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>When Adrien Agreste said he wanted more spice in his life, he did not mean more akumas.  He was thinking more along the lines of a fun vacation, or a room redecoration.<br/>He certainly did not mean akumas with 4 heads.  Was Hawkmoth on acid?</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Adrien Agreste | Chat Noir &amp; Marinette Dupain-Cheng | Ladybug</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>48</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>Quote Prompt Memes</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>The Lion, The Zebra, and the Depressed Giraffe</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><ul class="associations">



        <li>In response to a prompt by
            Anonymous in the <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/collections/quoteonlyprompts">quoteonlyprompts</a>
          collection.
        </li>
    </ul><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>
  <strong>Prompt:</strong>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>"No amount of therapy will ever make this moment okay,"</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>When Adrien Agreste said he wanted more spice in his life, he did not mean more akumas.  He was thinking more along the lines of a fun vacation, or a room redecoration.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He certainly did not mean akumas with </span>
  <em>
    <span>4 heads.  Was Hawkmoth on acid?</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“M’lady, I have so many questions,” he said, twirling his baton like a shield.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Not now, Chat!” she yelled back, dodging falling pieces of rubble.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What do they eat, Bugs?  One of them a zebra and the other is a lion and the other is a giraffe, and those are very different diets.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Less talking, more fighting!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I mean, there’s 4 of them.  Do they think independently?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m busy!” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Do they have hopes?  Dreams?  Why aren’t they even connected at the neck?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ladybug paused.  “Yeah, why aren’t they?  I feel like that would be less gruesome than whatever this is.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“That zebra head attached to that arm is going to give me nightmares.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Said zebra head turned and glared before going, “And whaddya think you’re lookin’ at, huh?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ladybug and Adrien both froze.  </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh my god, Bugaboo, he has a Bronx accent.  </span>
  <em>
    <span>Why does he have a Bronx accent?”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What the actual fuck.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The zebra head gave one last glare as the akuma jumped up, still in pursuit of revenge.  The other heads whirled around, destroying things as they went.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ladybug and Chat Noir both jumped into action, swinging and leaping upwards to try and catch up with the supervillain.  Black and red whizzed as they jumped across fallen pieces and objects.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>They jumped across the rooftops, occasionally guiding fleeing civilians (the people of Paris could mentally deal with a lot, they could not deal with this).</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Alright,” Ladybug said, a plan already gleaming in her brilliant eyes.  “I haven’t figured out where the akuma is yet, but the biggest threat is probably the lion head so you-”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Ya couldn't've bothered to learn ma name before making plans, huh, lassie?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ladybug and Adrien turned at the same time with identical expressions of horror at the apparently Southern lion.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Um.” Ladybug said.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m going to have a straight coronary,” Adrien informed her.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Ain’t nobody gonna care ‘bout your name, you ego-inflated prick,” the zebra spat out.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“...Are they fighting?  Seriously?  How is that even possible?” Ladybug asked, yo-yo hand twitching.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“LB, I’m not going to lie to you, I’m starting to have genuine concerns about the ethical ramifications of de-evilizing this guy.  I mean, the… heads… are sentient and all, so…?” he trailed off.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ladybug didn’t dignify that with a response, which was probably fair.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“And what in tarnation do you think you’re doing, talkin to me like that, huh?” the lion growled.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Don’t play dumb with me, jackass, you been grillin me all day.  I see that!” the zebra hissed.  The two pressed against each other in an odd parody of alpha posturing.  Adrien felt a vague sense of looming dread, which was odd since he was nowhere near the akuma.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>And then his feelings made sense, because in one swift, clean movement, the lion head ate the zebra one.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The citizens of Paris, Ladybug and Adrien included, froze.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Adrien felt his baton slip out of his hand.  In the corner of his eye, he could see Alya who had previously been filming drop her phone in shock.  A shiny outline of a purple butterfly shimmered atop the face of the evil taxidermist, signaling that Hawkmoth was talking to the supervillain.  </span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>What the actual fuck.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>His face (the human one at least) contorted with anger.  “No Hawkmoth, it isn’t disgusting, it’s nature!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Try self-cannibalism,” Adrien quipped weakly to ignore the fact that he was going to throw up.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Such is the way of life, and what we humans must revert to!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“No amount of therapy will ever make this moment okay,” Adrien said, pointedly looking everywhere except the akuma.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I think I’m owed financial compensation for emotional trauma,” Ladybug responded, horrified.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Adrien tore his eyes away from the ground and began looking at the akuma again, specifically his body.  The sooner they found the object, the sooner this would be over.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He was dimly aware of the fact that the lion head burped, which prompted a whimper of horror from the people in the background who had previously been evacuating.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“All of you will hear me!” the akuma cried, before pulling an object out of his satchel.  It looked like… a binder?  </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You will read my manifesto and learn about the true nature of nature!” the akuma said.  Adrien stood taller and he locked eyes with Ladybug the minute the both realized it.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>They needed that binder.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Adrien shifted his posture to be more relaxed and attempted to ignore literally everything.  “Hey, actually! I’d like to read your manifesto, Mr…”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The akuma’s human face split into a brilliant grin.  “I am Darwinism, the leader of the natural revolution.  I will propel the world into a better, less urban lifestyle!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“See that sounds great,” Adrien continued.  He saw Ladybug slip away, no doubt off setting things up.  “See I get it, I also hate urbanization.  Y’know, long life, modern medicine, plumbing.  They really, um, suck.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Adrien had seen hostage videos that looked less forced but the villain’s eyes lit up, so he was probably doing something right.  </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You understand!” Darwinism cheered.  Adrien forced himself to keep his eyes on the man’s (human) face, trying to ignore the way the lion head had contentedly gone to sleep.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“So, um, I was wondering if I could read the manifesto, y’know, to get a better understanding of what we’re all about.  I think it'll be helpful and all.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Why of course!” the akuma said, and there was no way it was going to be that easy.  “Just be careful, Chat, my powers are this binder and without it I won’t be able to bring about the revolution we desire!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The giraffe head snorted.  “Dumbass.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Adrien nodded and held out his arms, trying not to shake.  He felt the weight of the binder in his hands and he immediately grabbed it like a football and climbed up high and far.  He opened it, ready to destroy it, when he looked down at the akuma again.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Was he really ready to kill 2 arguably sentient beings?  They clearly had goals and feelings and personalities and he didn’t know if he would be okay with what he was going to do to them.  It felt wrong and he was a superhero so he shouldn’t-</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Please kill me, kid,” the giraffe said solemnly.  “What do I have in this life worth living.  Put me out of my misery, I’m begging you.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Uh.  What?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“The world is a terrible place and it will never get better.  I can’t do anything strapped to this body, and I am instead forced to live in eternal torment.  Please, save me by killing me.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Adrien Agreste had no idea how to respond to that, so he just destroyed the binder so he didn’t have to say anything.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The transformation ended and he grabbed the butterfly tightly within his hands, careful not to let it out.  His head hurt.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ladybug swung down, holding a red spotted box of spaghetti.  She raised an eyebrow.  </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“No need for the Lucky Charm, m’lady,” he exhaled.  “I took care of it.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She nodded and with a quick flick of her wrist, grabbed the akuma and purified it.  She looked down at Paris, all of the civilians talking in horrified tones about the events of the fight.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I should probably fix it right now, huh?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Mhm.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I kind of would rather start crying.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Adrien didn’t respond, and instead flopped on his back and groaned.</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>in case ur wondering the hawkmoth talking to akuma went smth like this:<br/>Hawkmoth: *activates purple butterfly talking powers* yo what the literal fuck man</p>
<p>Thank you for reading!!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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